Animal Writing

In Totara Whanau I am learning to start my sentences with different sentence starters. We are learning this because we need to keep the reader interested. I'm also working on taking on my feed back. This is one of many of my stories! It is all about an animal...
As you can see I have taken on all the feedback my teacher has given me. Also I have learnt to use adverbs at the start of my sentences, and all I had to do was swap around the words Eg: 
(Bad) I quietly crept over...   
(Good) Quietly I
Here is my story, I hope you enjoy! (You can see in my story I have underlined where I have taken on feedback.) 

The Animal...

Zzzzzziiiiiiiiipppppppppp.. Slowly we crept into the darkness, my flashlight glimmered.

“I knew this was a bad idea charz..” Muttered Hannah. THUMP!... THUMP!... in my chest. I glared behind me, the tent now the size of an ant got further and further away…

“Yeah.. well we wanna show those idiots that we’re tough! Don’t we?” I responded.

“I guess…” HOOWWWLLLLL “WHAT WAS THAT!!!” Hannah Screamed “Probably just an owl..” I informed, “Just an owl!?!?! JUST AN OWL!?!? THAT WAS A WOLF, YOU KNOW WHAT IM OUT! NOT DOING THIS BYE!” She stammered.

“woah chill out scaredy cat!” I mockingly replied.

“Ugh… you know you sound just like my brother sometimes…” She whined.

 As we stumbled towards some raven black, naked, trees, my throat became dry. Suddenly! A dark small figure caught my attention… I glared, as it emerged from the darkness. Blood seeped out of it’s numb ear, it’s small glimmering eyes stared at me. What had happened? Where was the thing that attacked it? Is it bad? Will it hurt me?  So many things raced through my mind. Quietly I crept through the glistening grass towards the quivering little cub, When I suddenly felt a hand grasp my shoulder

“What are you doing?!” Hannah screeched.

Carefully I Removed her hand and continued walking, it’s tiny little paws clutched the grass as the blood dripped faster by the second. Water droplets trickled down my back, now there was only one step between us. Leisurely I reached down below, my hands spread out wide. Delicate fur met my shivering fingertip’s, her miniature paws wrapped around my neck, my heart melted with joy. Time soon passed and we managed to saunter our way back to the tent. Calmly I unzipped the zip and crept inside. I placed the wolf down beside me, It’s small little tummy started to slowly quiet down…

The sun arose from the hills as I awoke. I glared around in panicking motion, WHERE WAS THE PUP?!? I jumped out of bed and ran outside “Looking for something” A voice bellowed

I swung my head around, only to find one of the boys grasping onto the pup! I Got closer

“Take one more step and I’ll drop her onto the sharp fence” He screeched

I glared at him in horror.

“You wouldn’t!” I replied not believing my own words

“Oh I’d be glad to! You girls always trying to outsmart me! Well not this time!!” He yelled

I fell to my knees and sobbed, all I could think about was the gut feeling I had. Just when all hope seemed lost, a shadowy figure crept out from behind the tent. There it was my hero! Hannah had slyly snuck up on our cousin. Slowly her hands wrapped around his legs, suddenly I heard a big THUMP! And I watched the wolf run into my arms! I picked her up and rushed inside! “I will always love you” I whispered.